I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
