she woke up with a sticky ear
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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