You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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