She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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