You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
