Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Actions speak louder than pants.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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