there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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