The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
