I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
