Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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