Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
