I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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