Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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