I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
