you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
