We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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