The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
