I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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