I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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