my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!