i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.