He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
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Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
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I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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