Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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