If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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