Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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