Will you blow on my dice?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
