I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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