I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
