Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
