i used baking grease as lip gloss
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
