Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
