Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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