I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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