.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
