Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
