i don't like sucking hair
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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