no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
