Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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