I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
