i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
