I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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