How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
