if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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