So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
