He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I don't deserve a penis
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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