Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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