Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
