So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
