You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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