why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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