Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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