I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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