Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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