Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
