Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
honey bunches of taint.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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