Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize