in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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