i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
