I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
