We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
