He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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