i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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