I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
